


it's so hard, it's so heavy

by hipsquare



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Canon Lesbian Relationship, F/F, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Nightmares, POV Catra (She-Ra), Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018) Season 5 Spoilers, a little bit of headcanon of Catra's life before the Horde
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:35:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24266758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hipsquare/pseuds/hipsquare
Summary: '“Ever since…” Catra’s lips begin to tremble. “Ever since… Shadow Weaver died, they’ve been worse. The… the nightmares.” Catra’s fingers curl into her palm, and though she tries to swallow, her throat is so dry.“Catra…”Catra laughs softly, a pathetic, broken sound, even to her own ears. “It’s stupid, isn’t it?” Before Adora has a chance to probe her, Catra says, “That I… miss her.”'Ever since Shadow Weaver's death, Catra's had an increase in nightmares. When Adora follows Catra out of bed one night, a conversation leads to Catra finally getting to vent some of her trauma.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Catra & Shadow Weaver | Light Spinner (She-Ra)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 227





	it's so hard, it's so heavy

**Author's Note:**

> this dysfunctional family has me in shambles

Catra has always had nightmares, ever since she was little. In some of them, she is a child again, and there is fire everywhere — she extends the littlest hand to a figure she cannot reach before they are smoldered in the red hot inferno. In others, Adora leaves her, and she’s all alone. 

In all of them, however, there is always Shadow Weaver at the end. There is Shadow Weaver, who takes her from the flames but does not nurture her burns. There is Shadow Weaver, who curls her claws into Catra’s exposed shoulders and digs into her skin, and tells her that Adora would have never really stayed by her side.

Catra still has those nightmares, even after Shadow Weaver is dead… _because_ Shadow Weaver is dead. In her dreams, Shadow Weaver strikes her in the face, throws her to the ground, threatens to kill her. She feels Shadow Weaver’s hand caress her face, stroke her hair. Like a children’s picture book, it shows Catra the memories, until they’re at the end of the story, and Shadow Weaver dissipates before her eyes in a selfish sacrifice. The only words that linger are, _I am so proud of you, Catra…_ until she wakes in her bed beside Adora, and Shadow Weaver’s voice disappears.

Tonight is no different from the times before.

Catra abruptly awakens from her sinister dreams with tears in her eyes. Adora has a hand around her, but Catra feels — _suffocated_ by her warmth. Her head is tucked tight into Catra’s neck, her arms looped around Catra’s middle. 

Tense and doused with a light sheen of sweat on her skin, Catra lays with Adora in darkness until she feels she might give out from the inside. Adora’s hands... they feel like _hers,_ even though they’re so gentle. Even though Catra knows practically that Adora would never hurt her in the way that _she_ did.

As gingerly as possible, Catra untangles Adora’s limbs from hers. Here at Castle Brightmoon, there are so many places for Catra to hide, but Catra is slowly learning not to hide anymore. Instead, she heads for the nearest balcony, illuminated by the moon above, and perches her arms up on the rail to breathe. Her tears are dried by the wind.

She’s not sure how long she’s out there alone until she hears Adora beckon to her, voice laced with sleep. “Catra?”

Catra doesn’t move.

She hears gentle footsteps as Adora approaches the balcony. 

“Should’ve known you would come,” Catra says softly, a little bit of a laugh tacked onto the end of her words. “You didn’t have to.”

Catra feels guilt bubble up inside of her like a pit in her stomach as she speaks. She should’ve just stayed in bed, shouldn’t have woken Adora up to bother her with… this. Whatever _this_ was. But of course, it’s always Catra who has to be overly emotional and dramatic. 

Adora gets closer, until she’s right next to Catra on the balcony. She joins her as she looks out at the stars, quiet for a moment that’s enough to make Catra sick before Adora gently reaches to touch her hand.

“Was it a nightmare?”

Adora’s always known about Catra’s nightmares. After all, it was Adora who was the one to caress her through them back in the Fright Zone. She was the one to pet her wild hair and hold her close until Catra fell back asleep in her arms, lulled by Adora’s heartbeat. Even though they were both children in the Horde, that was the burden Catra placed on Adora.

Catra’s throat tightens. 

“...Yeah,” is what she says in the end, like it’s all that she _can_ say.

“You’ve been having a lot more of them, lately,” Adora says, concerned. “Catra… do you ever want to talk about them?” There’s a pause before Adora adds a bit hurriedly, “You don’t have to! Not if you don’t want to. Just… I’m here, Catra. If you ever _do_ wanna talk.”

Adora’s hands curl around Catra’s. Catra so desperately wants to squeeze back, but in her mind, all she can feel are —

Catra takes her hand away from Adora’s hastily. She pulls it to her chest and trembles, taking a step back away from the balcony.

Adora looks at her with soft, albeit confused, eyes, raising her hand towards Catra’s form. “Did I—?”

Catra cuts her off immediately, like she’s terrified to let Adora voice her question. “No!” She sounds a little aggressive, she realizes, and so she lowers her voice sheepishly. A hand goes to her own arm, and she holds it there; holds herself. “You didn’t… do anything, so don’t start thinking stuff like that, okay? It’s just… me. It’s always me.”

“Catra, that’s not true,” Adora says. This time, she doesn’t try to reach for Catra, lowering her extended arm down to her side. Catra feels even worse than she did before. “Do you want to be alone out here for a while? I’ll go wait for you back in bed, it’s okay.”

“...It’s… Shadow Weaver,” Catra whispers, and even she’s surprised by how _little_ she sounds.

“Shadow Weaver?” Adora repeats back in a way that makes Catra feel like she’s had the wind knocked out of her. Adora is the only person who would ever _begin_ to understand how she feels — but it’s still not enough to know exactly.

Catra looks back to the black sky above them. She takes in the sight of the rustling trees, leaves stirred by the gentle, cool breeze, at the Etherian creatures that roam the planet below them.

“Ever since…” Catra’s lips begin to tremble. “Ever since… Shadow Weaver died, they’ve been worse. The… the nightmares.” Catra’s fingers curl into her palm, and though she tries to swallow, her throat is so dry. 

“Catra…”

Catra laughs softly, a pathetic, broken sound, even to her own ears. “It’s stupid, isn’t it?” Before Adora has a chance to probe her, Catra says, “That I… miss her.”

“Oh, Catra…” Adora whispers, and when Catra finally looks back at Adora, she sees Adora’s eyebrows creased inward, an anguished expression on her face. “It’s not stupid. I would never think that about you! About this. And I…” Adora’s voice trembles, just as Catra’s has been, and Catra’s ears twitch, eyes widened. “I miss her too.”

“You… you do?” Catra asks, like it’s some unbelievable thing Adora’s just said, even though it makes perfect sense.

“Yes! Catra, it’s only natural that we’d feel this way. She… she raised us. She was our _mother,_ ” Adora stresses, though she’s suddenly tripping over her words. “And we... _she…_ ”

Catra tenses her fists. “Why…?” She whispers, tears beginning to gather at the corners of her eyes again.

Adora pauses, already having been struggling to articulate her words. Instead, she looks silently at Catra, sorrow swimming in the depths of her gaze.

“Why… would she tell me that she’s _proud of me?_ ” Suddenly, Catra’s voice spikes, and suddenly — she’s screaming at the top of her lungs, filling the cold air with the sound of her pained wails. “Why?! After all of that time?! Why did she have to say _that_ to me?! Why couldn’t she have said that — why couldn’t she have _said that_ — _before_ she _died_?! All those years… all those years, she made me suffer! And yet she said that and then just… left me?! Again!”

Catra can’t see Adora’s face, but she can hear Adora stifle a cry, the sound lost within her own violent sobs.

Catra drops to her knees, hands pressed tight to either side of her head. Though she’s not in a dream, all of the memories come back to her at once, making an anguished scream rip from her throat again. It’s too much. She hates Shadow Weaver, but she loves her, and she wants her back.

“Why did she have to leave me again?! Why does she get to do that and leave me like this?! Why?!”

Adora drops to her knees, too — and she pulls Catra into an embrace. This time, Catra doesn’t push her away. Instead, she clings to Adora’s back and sobs into her neck, tears leaking onto her girlfriend’s skin.

“I can’t forgive her,” Catra whimpers, and it hurts so much to admit that she never will be able to. “I can’t forgive her…”

“It’s not fair,” Adora says, and Catra can tell that Adora is trying to stay strong for her, despite her own pain. Catra sobs harder as Adora strokes the back of her short hair. “It’s not fair that she did that to you, Catra. _None_ of it is fair, and you _never_ deserved what she put you through. She shouldn’t have gotten to leave you — leave us — the way she did… and we don’t have to forgive her, either.”

“Adora,” Catra snivels. She looks up at Adora, face wet with an endless stream of hot tears. “What if I’m like this forever? She’s gone, but it’s like she’s still _here,_ too, but not in the way that — that I _need,_ and…”

Adora leans her forehead into Catra’s. 

“We’ll figure it out, Catra,” is what she says, holding her close. “Ssh, it’s okay… it’s okay. We’ll figure it out together. I’m here.”

It’s true; that Adora’s hands are so much different than Shadow Weaver’s crueler ones. Catra feels safe in them, something that she never had with Shadow Weaver. 

Catra closes her eyes and melts in Adora’s arms. Here, underneath the moon and stars, she knows that for tonight, she will be okay. And if she isn’t tomorrow, they’ll figure it out together.


End file.
